Out of Control

I'm so out of control right now.  I've been binging as if I were on the reality show Survivor and have been on a deserted island for 30 days with nothing but small hints of fish, rice, and maybe a little bit of fruit, and then rewarded with a feast.  Although I've spent a great deal of time attending and listening attentively in support groups, the fact of the matter is that I don't know exactly what my body will be able to handle after surgery.  There are some foods that are obviously not on the post-op plan and these are the foods that I'm binging on.  While I am definitely committed to the process, I feel somewhat like a failure now as this is the pattern that I've always fell into with diets before.  I'll do the "right things" to lose weight and change my eating habits until all of a sudden a switch somehow flips in my head drawing me to all of the junk food like a tweaker searching for their next hit!

My liver reduction diet starts on October 26th and I've been having a mental countdown of the days in my head saying, "you only have this many days left, you better grab all you can before it's too late!".  Fourteen more days.....what have you been craving that will be off limits later?  I feel horrible.  This makes me wonder if I will indeed be able to be successful.  I pray that I will be able to use my tool in the way that it's intended and that I can do all of the work necessary to keep me on the right path even after my appetite returns.  I don't want to live my life feeling this lack of control forever.

On the flip side, I just bought a Blendtec Total Blender to help me to make nutritious green smoothies and for my protein shakes and pureed phase of my post-op diet.  I've already made one green smoothie in it that was surprisingly pretty good, and a chicken tortilla soup made from all natural ingredients.  I felt a rush of excitement in making those meals because a.) they are actually good for me, but b.) because I simply love gadgets and this is sort of my new toy!

I've been looking online for green smoothie recipes (as well as adding protein powder to them).  I'm also kind of just throwing things together to see what happens and how it will taste.  My smoothie from the other night was made from the following:

• kale
• parsley
• broccoli
• carrots
• bananas
• red grapes
• green grapes
• and lots of ice

I did a pretty good job except for when I decided to add more grapes and ice and didn't close the lid of the blender well enough.  Let's just say that the kitchen walls were temporarily repainted as was the floor, and my clothes!!

The chicken tortilla soup recipe came from the Blendtec cookbook and was made with:

• Roma tomatoes
• taco seasoning
• sharp cheddar cheese made with 2% milk
• cilantro
• fresh garlic
• carrots
• onions
• chicken base
• and water

I added some chunks of chicken breast at the end along with a few tortilla chips and it was very tasty!!  It's amazing that you can actually make hot soup in a blender!!  Hopefully I'll enjoy playing with my new gadget continually with healthy protein shakes and soups, and let the binging go forever.  I know that my surgery is only a tool, but I'm also hoping that it will be simply a fresh start to a new life....a life where I can learn to control what I can in my life without reaching for food as my one and only answer.  Lord grant me the grace to accept the things I cannot change, to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference....something like that, you get the idea.

The Last Supper Syndrome

This process toward surgery has been such a long and emotional road.  You start out with this checklist of documents that have to be submitted; appointments with surgeons, nurses, nutritionists, dieticians, fitness trainers, psychologists, The Easter Bunny, Santa Claus, and I'm sure Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer was in there somewhere too.  The anticipation builds as you cross each of your appointments off the list.  You've been poked and prodded, endoscoped, and stepped on the scale more times in the last 6 months, than you have in the last 6 years.  You've completed your six month medically supervised diet, submitted all of the necessary paperwork for insurance approval and lo and behold, in the words of Suze Orman, "You've Been Approved!".  Not only are you approved, but you have a date with your surgeon (quite possibly the first date you've had in ohhh...months, years?) That very last set of pre-op appointments is scheduled on the calendar.

I have to fulfill a two week liquid liver reduction diet immediately prior to surgery that will start on October 26th, but in the meantime, now what? The two sides of my brain are at war.  It's like watching the old cartoons where you have the little angel on one shoulder and the spunky little horned devil on the other.  My little angel is saying, "Bless you my child.  You've done wonderful things!  You've learned new eating habits and started the emotional work to become a healthier individual.  You shall be blessed for ten thousand years, drop ten sizes, officially become one of those "skinny bitches", and find gold at the end of the rainbow."

My horned little devil says, "You've got 20 days before it's liquids only and this whole new modified eating thing after your date with Dr. Roto-Rooter. Let's party!!  I'll bring on the junk if you bring on the trunk! I'll fill you with all of the chocolate and ice cream and every other kind of garbage that made you a star on the fat list in the first place. We'll invite back all of those friendly pounds that you seem to have lost so far.  You've been friends with those pounds for this long so why say goodbye to them now?"

I've always been a procrastinator.  Why do something today if you can put it off until tomorrow??  I want desperately to make these changes in my life, and truthfully, I believe that I can and will be a success story because I'm willing to commit for the long haul.  As for now though, I'm stuck in the mindset that I might as well enjoy certain foods now, because I may never be able to eat them again.  Even though I know that after the "honeymoon period" ends, the appetite returns, there are still foods that I most likely won't be able to eat again at all in the future without dumping or becoming horribly sick in some other way.

I'm struggling right now....BIG TIME!  I've already gained a couple of pounds back and in some ways this lack of control confirms for me that opting for surgery is indeed the right solution for me.  This tool can work with the logical side of my brain to overcome my urges to binge or to just indulge.  I haven't been emotionally eating or binging, but one of the difficulties of traveling is trying to maintain those healthy eating habits on the road and during the stages of relocation.  That will definitely be an issue that I discuss with my dietician as I'm sure she will be able to help me to develop some strategies in that area. 

I am proud of myself that I haven't allowed myself to get down, and start feeling like a failure.  As crazy as it sounds, although I doubt that I'll start my liver reduction diet early, I look forward to it because it gives me a regimented plan.  It will give me a "step-by-step how-to" and once there, there's no going back. 

So for now, I know that there's already still plenty of junk in my trunk and I don't need to add anymore.  It's time to get some groceries in the house so that I can return to my healthier favorites.  I never in my wildest dreams thought that I'd miss going a few days without some cottage cheese....then again, one look at my thighs, and I realize that the cottage cheese has been with me all along.