My Eeyore Syndrome

The last couple of weeks have flown by and while I've successfully progressed to my soft diet and am feeling even stronger during my workouts, I feel like I've been suffering from what I'm calling "My Eeyore Syndrome".  Eeyore is probably my favorite Winnie the Pooh character because he reminds me so much of myself.

Lately, I've been feeling really exhausted and I'm not sure if it's from my surgery, my normal seasonal depression, a vitamin deficiency, or just being lazy.  I do think that I'm hard on myself because I feel guilty if I'm not working out 5-6 days a week even this early out. There are days when I feel strong and can get in over 12,000 steps on my pedometer, then there are other days when I don't want to get out of bed.  The great news is this...I'm back to work next week and I just received word yesterday that my next assignment is in southwest Florida.  Hallelujah!!  I am definitely a solar powered girl and I know that the sunshine and warmer temperatures will do wonders for me, not to mention the peace of the white sandy beaches.  I look forward to taking long walks with the sun beating down on my face.

Even without working out everyday though, I do feel good in that I am feeling stronger and pushing myself more during the workouts that I have been doing.  I love to do what I call my treadmill aerobics where I add arm exercises to my walking.  Add just the right mix of dance music and I remind myself of my old spinning instructor, full of energy and pep.  Hmm....maybe someday I could create some sort of class utilizing the treadmill with the arm movements.  Walking is great for you and doesn't leave you with "bike butt". 

Overall, I am recovering well and learning through trial and error what foods I can handle and which ones I cannot.  I haven't attempted milk in quite some time.  My initial intolerance even with the light soymilk was enough to give me a healthy fear that I'm not sure that I want to get over.  My high protein staple meal for both the protein and the fiber is fat free refried beans with melted reduced fat cheese and plain greek yogurt on top in place of sour cream.  Four ounces of beans with 2 ounces each of the cheese and yogurt packs a whopping 20g of protein and satisfies my cravings for Mexican food.  I went out for dinner last night and did well with baby back ribs and broccoli.  Barbecue sauce gave me the moisture that I needed for the pork and the steamed broccoli was smooth sailing.

Although tired, I feel good.  I miss being able to eat and drink at the same time and do have some food mourning when I pass what used to be some of my favorite restaurants or when I think of certain foods, but I still have not had one day where I've regretted my decision to have surgery and change my life.  So far I'm down about 39 lbs. from my highest weight, 22 lbs. since surgery.  The weight is coming off somewhat slowly in comparison to others, but I consider that a good thing, and I just keep reassuring myself that the weight is indeed coming off.  I can see it in the mirror and in the smile on my face when I look in the mirror.

I just realized last night that I've already taken all of my summer clothes to Goodwill and bought simple sweats with drawstring waists to get me through the winter.  I thought to myself, "...I shoud have held onto those a little longer since I'm now going to Florida!", but the truth is that they were all too big now anyway!!  So, I'll just have to visit Goodwill again to see if I can find some "new" clothes for the warm weather.  That feels so great to say!!

Interesting Observations

I went to Target yesterday to buy new underwear.  My collection of underwear is constantly shrinking because I have a dog who, even at 7 years old, finds entertainment in chewing them to shreds.  I hate shopping for clothes and I think I buy more underwear than any other clothes item.  The mall was right next door and I know that I could wander into Lane Bryant and probably spend $12 for one pair of panties but I'm much too frugal for that and again, why spend that much when it will most likely turn into a doggie chew toy?  I went for my usual cotton 6 packs and found something interesting.  The larger plus sizes were all picked over and almost gone, while the smaller sizes were hanging there in abundance.  Sure it's possible that if you have a size 5 butt you're not shopping in the granny panty section, but it's also possible that we are indeed living in an age where there are more plus-sized butts than little skinny mini's. 

Sure, the media tells us that in order to be beautiful we have to be a size 0 and their idea of a "plus sized" model is a size 12 (which absolutely disgusts me), but I guess in shopping I'm starting to see more of the obesity epidemic purchasing the truly plus sized items.  We've all seen that someone somewhere that we'd like to pull to the side and say, "honey, just because they make it in your size doesn't mean that you should wear it." but the truth is that there are alot of plus sized women that are in denial of their size and still trying to squeeze into the smaller sizes, no matter if they can breathe in them or not.

Another thing I've noticed while shopping is this....why are you never able to find plus sized workout wear in regular stores?  Since the "acceptable" woman is the smaller one, wouldn't it make sense to have a large section of plus sized workout wear for those of us making an effort to lose weight?  I guess the assumption is that if you are obese, you are automatically choosing to stay that way, and too lazy to workout so there is no comfortable, moisture-wicking, physically supportive workout wear designed for you.  Interesting, I tell you. Interesting.

I generally hate shopping for clothes because it is so difficult to find things to fit me.  I'm only 5' 2" and with my "curves", it's particularly difficult to find pants that fit.  I usually buy cheap clothes from Wal-Mart or clearance sale items from Avenue and wear them until they either have holes or permanent stains in them.  I replace my wardrobe only as necessary and it's a beautiful thing that I get to wear scrubs at work!  I come from a family of well-dressed women and my mother is always trying to help me to build my wardrobe so that I can stop looking homeless.  I'm currently at one of those homeless looking stages and in dire need of some newer items but as I breezed through the store yesterday, I felt the freedom of knowing that it wasn't worth buying anything new right now because within a few short weeks, it will no longer fit! 

I look forward to scouring the racks of the local Goodwill or Salvation Army store for those gently used items in smaller sizes than I wear now.  I don't know that I will ever truly enjoy shopping, but I do look forward to having more options.  I have one sister that is the only one in the family blessed with the mutant skinny gene.  I'm excited to someday shop in her closet when I hit my goal weight because she always dresses with style.  She is three years older and I surpassed her in growth when I hit puberty so we were never able to share clothes.  Somehow I know that my favorite place of all to shop, will be in her closet.

I am incredibly grateful to my sister.  We've never been extremely close but as I've shared with her my preop journey so far, she's been very receptive to learning about weight issues and how the surgery will change my life.  I realized that she doesn't know what it's like to be overweight because she never has been, so she has been a wonderful resource for me for learning how to think like a thin person.  I asked her if she would be willing to fly in and be there for me for my surgery and without a second thought she said yes.  I can't tell you how much that means to me.  I'm so excited and I can't wait to give her a huge hug.  It's quite possible that this dreaded issue of weight may be the key issue that helps us to learn about and understand each other in a way that we never have before.  I've designated her as my diet coach just to help me to stay on track and to help me continually think like a thin person.  Along with ongoing therapy, she may be able to help me conquer some of the mental challenges that the surgery brings.

In the meantime, I will continue to enjoy NOT having to shop for any clothes.  Heck, when I'm able to transition down to smaller underwear, maybe I'll give my dog my old ones for her to run around the house with like she usually does.  I will enjoy the sight and sound of her ripping those granny panties to shreds!!