Out of Control

I'm so out of control right now.  I've been binging as if I were on the reality show Survivor and have been on a deserted island for 30 days with nothing but small hints of fish, rice, and maybe a little bit of fruit, and then rewarded with a feast.  Although I've spent a great deal of time attending and listening attentively in support groups, the fact of the matter is that I don't know exactly what my body will be able to handle after surgery.  There are some foods that are obviously not on the post-op plan and these are the foods that I'm binging on.  While I am definitely committed to the process, I feel somewhat like a failure now as this is the pattern that I've always fell into with diets before.  I'll do the "right things" to lose weight and change my eating habits until all of a sudden a switch somehow flips in my head drawing me to all of the junk food like a tweaker searching for their next hit!

My liver reduction diet starts on October 26th and I've been having a mental countdown of the days in my head saying, "you only have this many days left, you better grab all you can before it's too late!".  Fourteen more days.....what have you been craving that will be off limits later?  I feel horrible.  This makes me wonder if I will indeed be able to be successful.  I pray that I will be able to use my tool in the way that it's intended and that I can do all of the work necessary to keep me on the right path even after my appetite returns.  I don't want to live my life feeling this lack of control forever.

On the flip side, I just bought a Blendtec Total Blender to help me to make nutritious green smoothies and for my protein shakes and pureed phase of my post-op diet.  I've already made one green smoothie in it that was surprisingly pretty good, and a chicken tortilla soup made from all natural ingredients.  I felt a rush of excitement in making those meals because a.) they are actually good for me, but b.) because I simply love gadgets and this is sort of my new toy!

I've been looking online for green smoothie recipes (as well as adding protein powder to them).  I'm also kind of just throwing things together to see what happens and how it will taste.  My smoothie from the other night was made from the following:

• kale
• parsley
• broccoli
• carrots
• bananas
• red grapes
• green grapes
• and lots of ice

I did a pretty good job except for when I decided to add more grapes and ice and didn't close the lid of the blender well enough.  Let's just say that the kitchen walls were temporarily repainted as was the floor, and my clothes!!

The chicken tortilla soup recipe came from the Blendtec cookbook and was made with:

• Roma tomatoes
• taco seasoning
• sharp cheddar cheese made with 2% milk
• cilantro
• fresh garlic
• carrots
• onions
• chicken base
• and water

I added some chunks of chicken breast at the end along with a few tortilla chips and it was very tasty!!  It's amazing that you can actually make hot soup in a blender!!  Hopefully I'll enjoy playing with my new gadget continually with healthy protein shakes and soups, and let the binging go forever.  I know that my surgery is only a tool, but I'm also hoping that it will be simply a fresh start to a new life....a life where I can learn to control what I can in my life without reaching for food as my one and only answer.  Lord grant me the grace to accept the things I cannot change, to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference....something like that, you get the idea.